Wee Man and I had a little outing yesterday, we needed to get a bucket, some storage boxes and a mop, oh, and some Ikea napkins for my Mum. Yes, that’s right we are still cleaning ready for The Move, it’s never ending. We needed a new bucket because the Glitter Girls had used all of our buckets for their potions, I could chuck the potions away but the grief Miss Sassy would give me really isn’t worth it.
First stop was Home Bargains. As I went to put the mop and bucket in the trolley Wee Man grabbed the mop and put the bucket on his head, well, if you were 2 you would do the same thing, I am sure. I was now pushing the trolley, or should I say trusty metal steed, round the shop with my very own dinosaur knight (please note he won’t sit in a trolley he stands). I lost count of the number of apologies I made as Wee Man jousted down the aisles in his metal steed, dinosaur roaring for me to go faster whilst knocking stuff off shelves and prodding people. We ended up leaving Home Bargains with a mop, bucket and a large plastic dinosaur. I don’t know how the dinosaur made it into the trolley but by the time we got to till I could not be bothered with an argument and needed a coffee.
Armed with his shiny new dinosaur off we went to Ikea, or the flag shop as the kids call it. First stop was the café I really needed caffeine. We queued not-so patiently for the hot food because Wee Man wanted SAUSAGES AND BEEEEEEEEAAAANS, I knew he wanted sausages, the whole queue knew he wanted sausages, and I think the whole store knew he wanted sausages. You see given half a chance Wee Man would live off sausages.
Then disaster struck, OK not like the worlds going to end disaster more like Wee Man is going to lose his sh*t disaster. As we got closer to the counter I heard the server saying they had no sausages. I had to think fast to avoid a hangry Wee Man meltdown, no-one needs to see that at 10am on a Monday. Then I saw it – Vegetarian Breakfast. Boom mama winning right there, it had a sausage, albeit it non-meat but maybe I would get away with it if I called it a special sausage. I did not get away with it, I ended up wearing it, it appears that like his father he is very much a carnivore.
With the caffeine kicking in and the dinosaur fed and watered (the Dino ‘ate’ the veggie sausage) it was time to shop. Kids trollies are both genius and lethal. Wee Man can push a trolley and fill it with random sh*t, just like Mama. Lethal in that my ankles have taken a battering as Wee Man raced to keep up with me on my shopping mission. Also, I think I’ve sprained my shoulder (can you even do that?) from grabbing at his trolley many times to prevent breakages. It was as I was lunging to stop Wee Mans trolley taking out the wine glasses that I heard a lady saying ‘Good to see he has a face!’ I turned around wondering who she was talking to, I then recognised a woman who had been ‘mop jousted’ in the last shop, such a proud parent moment.
We made it through the Market Hall only to enter the racking (is that warehouse speak or do you know what I mean?) you know the place where all the furniture is up on shelves. Well, Wee Man thought this was the best ever climbing frame, at one point he was scaling the end of an aisle because ‘I want to jump Mama’, erm no son you bloody well don’t. Next thing, he’s run down the aisle and gone into the racking, I thundered after him grabbing his ankle just before he disappeared behind the boxes. Dragging him out he was fuming, apparently it’s not fair, well son there’s a life lesson right there, life’s not fair. We then had a stand off over a stuffed panda, arms crossed, bottom lip sticking out, feet stamping and a massive frown on his face. Could I get him to move? We stared at each other for what felt like ages, other parents walked past smiling at me sympathetically. I then broke, I was desperate for the loo, opting for the bribery option I told him there was a hotdog waiting for him after the tills, that got him moving. Wee Man got his sausage in the end and this one he didn’t throw it at me.
So, Mum, you know how you asked me to pop to Ikea to get you some napkins? Well, I forgot the napkins because your dinosaur carrying, trolley dangerous driving, grumpasaurus of a grandson distracted me. Braai Boy you will also be pleased to hear that I did not buy one single candle but we are now the proud owners of a green parasol.