Braai boy is nearly home! Me and the Kids have survived. I have more grey hair and wrinkles and the Kids have probably had too much screen time and sugar but there you go, you do what you need to get by. There’s a whole host of things that I really should get done before he returns, and no this does not mean completing the Deployment To Do List. This is a totally different list, this is the ‘Show Him I TOTALLY Smashed It’ list. This list absolutely, totally and utterly has to be completed. It’s the list that will show Braai Boy that I coped magnificently whilst he was deployed, to show him that I am indeed Super Woman/Super Mama.
So, in no particular order:
- the house needs to be thoroughly cleaned.
- the washing done, folded (I don’t do ironing) and put away.
- the kids need their hair cut, I need my hair cut and coloured.
- the grass needs cut and the weeds removed from the patio.
- the wine rack needs filled.
- the BBQ needs cleaned as there’s a whole other ecosystem growing in there.
- I need to drive his car, sh*t I need to drive his car. I was meant to turn it over every week, I totally forgot. Note to self, turn the car over after writing this.
- clean the inside of my car, it’s filthy, cheerios are stuck everywhere, biscuits lay half eaten on the floor, the back windows are covered in sticky hand prints and there’s heaps of rubbish in the footwells. When I say rubbish I mean sweet wrappers, and if Braai Boy asks they’re all mine and the kids have never ever had Lindor Balls for brekkie.
- Get turquoise nail varnish off Wee Mans toes, it turns out it wasn’t peel off after all.
It’s odd when they get home, those first few days you’re readjusting to each other, things like I can’t starfish in bed anymore, I have to share the remote control, I can’t put tomatoes in everything (Braai Boy hates them) and I no longer get to make ALL the decisions about everything. As well as that, this time I have one major concern about Braai Boys return, two words: Love Island.
You see I have invested a lot of time, chocolate eating and energy into watching, discussing and reading up on each show. Last year, after 4 months away, he got back the day before the Love Island final. I made him watch it, he still hasn’t forgiven me. So, this year he comes back half way through the series. Oh my days, after the bust up we had last year how on earth am I going to convince him that at 9pm every night of the week he needs to sit down and watch a bunch of wannabes pretending to be loved up whilst saying ‘100 percent’, ‘my type on paper’ and so on? Hang on, how could I be so stupid? They are all wearing bikinis and there is A LOT of flesh on show, right there, that’s my leverage.
To make his re-entry, that makes him sound like an astronaut, into family life smoother I send him a list, yes, yes another list. This list outlines any changes to the Kids their routine, character or appearance for example; Miss Sassy has the attitude of a teenager, Wee Man is obsessed with dinosaurs and can spend hours roaring at you, Wee man has a carpet burn on his head after Miss Sassy dragged him from the lounge to kitchen and so on. I do not tell him of any changes I have made to the house, as I type I am desperately trying to think about any new bits and bobs I have purchased. You see, I need to be prepared for him walking round the house and raising his eyebrow or rolling his eyes as he asks me his favourite question ‘is it a need or a want wife?’.
The Love Island issue aside, I am looking forward to Braai Boy coming home. My partner in crime will be back, my support, the good cop to my bad cop, my drinking buddy. We will settle back into family life fairly quickly, although I give it a few weeks before I ask him ‘when are you off again?’. You see it’s not that I don’t love him it’s just that I need to know when I will once again have full control of the remote.
If he’s not delayed (all fingers and toes crossed) I expect him back tomorrow which means I have just over 24 hours to complete the ‘Show Him I TOTALLY Smashed It’ List. Have a lovely day, I’m off to find my Super Woman cape.